February 10, 2026
Another beautiful day to be gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, stunning, incredible, and kind.
Coming Home to Reflect
Being back in the Philippines has created so much space for reflection. Space to breathe. Space to feel. Space to finally sit with parts of my story that I had buried deep just to survive.
I know I still have a long way to go in my healing journey, but I can honestly say that I am making progress. And that alone feels like a win. I’m slowly tapping into the moments, environments, and relationships that caused me the most pain — not to reopen wounds, but to finally understand them.
Revisiting My ICU Days
Yesterday, I found myself revisiting my ICU days — particularly my time working in a cardiothoracic ICU at UCSF. It was one of my dream jobs. I worked incredibly hard to get there.
Before UCSF, my first ICU job was at USC. Looking back, I realize how fortunate I was. That unit was close‑knit. Supportive. Kind. I felt seen, valued, and protected. It felt like family. People genuinely wanted you to succeed.
That experience shaped what I believed ICU culture should look like.
When a Dream Job Becomes a Source of Trauma
Moving to San Francisco for my dream job was supposed to be the next big milestone. And while the clinical rigor at UCSF was everything I hoped for, the environment itself was deeply disappointing.
Yes, cardiothoracic ICU work is inherently stressful — we care for the sickest of the sick. But what made it unbearable wasn’t just the work. It was the culture.
Strong personalities. Senior nurses who didn’t see me as competent. Being treated like I didn’t belong.
Bullying in healthcare is real — and it’s rarely addressed openly. At the time, I chose silence. I chose resilience. I told myself that being strong‑minded was the only way to survive.
But silence doesn’t mean safety.
Looking back, I see how much trauma that environment caused me.
Questioning My Worth
When your dream job starts breaking you down, you begin questioning everything:
- Am I not good enough?
- Am I incompetent?
- Do I really belong here?
I came in with ICU experience — just not cardiothoracic ICU experience. I was transparent about that during my interview. I was still hired.
In nursing, we all have to start somewhere.
Yet I was made to feel like I was constantly falling short.
I stayed for nearly four years. Then COVID happened.
COVID: A Forced Pivot That Changed Everything
As devastating as COVID was, it forced me to pause and re‑evaluate my life.
It helped me reorganize my thoughts, my priorities, and what I truly valued.
I realized I wanted more than just survival.
I wanted balance.
I wanted a life.
I loved the ICU. I loved the adrenaline. I loved knowing I had the skills to save lives.
But I didn’t love the way it was costing me my health — mentally and physically.
My life became a cycle: work, sleep, repeat.
Eleven to twelve 12‑hour shifts in a row.
Vacations planned as rewards — only to get sick once I finally rested.
That wasn’t living.
Choosing Myself Through Higher Education
That’s when I returned to a dream I had always carried: pursuing higher education.
I had always seen myself getting my master’s degree. Becoming a nurse practitioner.
But at the time, the partner I moved to San Francisco for didn’t believe in that dream. He questioned it. Belittled it.
Why would a nurse get a master’s degree?
The answer was always clear to me.
During COVID, I enrolled in the UCSF Nurse Practitioner program — and I stuck through it. Because I was working and studying at UCSF, my master’s degree was fully covered.
That decision changed my life.
I’m still paying off my undergraduate loans, but I didn’t add to them. More importantly, I invested in myself.
A Better Place, A New Role
Today, I’m no longer in the ICU.
I’m a nurse practitioner in primary care.
And while the ICU shaped me, this role allows me to breathe.
One of the ways I give back is by being honest about nursing. Nursing is hard. Healthcare is hard. Strong personalities exist everywhere.
Bullying exists — and it needs to be talked about.
But don’t let it define you. Don’t let it take away your purpose.
The Real Theme of This Healing Journey
If there’s one theme that keeps showing up during my time in the Philippines, it’s this:
Learning to love myself.
For so long, I measured my worth by how much I could give to others. I wanted to be loved, accepted, validated.
When people left, I realized something painful — I hadn’t been loving myself at all.
This season is different.
I’m showing up for myself.
I’m honoring my values.
I’m choosing what aligns with me.
Losing people has been a blessing in disguise.
Showing Up, Even When It Feels Uncomfortable
I used to be afraid to create videos like this.
Afraid people would think it’s cringe.
Afraid of judgment.
And honestly — that fear still exists.
But I’m doing it anyway.
Because these reflections matter. Not just for others — but for me.
Through this journey, I’m discovering new versions of myself. Leaning into my strengths. Acknowledging my weaknesses. Learning how to grow without shame.
Gratitude
I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow.
Grateful for the lessons.
Grateful for the chance to finally slow down.
This healing journey isn’t linear — but it’s mine.
And I’m proud of myself for continuing.
With love,
Jasmine
Day in the life of a Filipina Nurse Practitioner 
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