Today’s lunchtime diary feels a little more grounded, a little more honest, and maybe a little softer than usual. I’ve been showing up a lot more lately—posting, reflecting, sharing—and at the same time, I’m still in this waiting season. I’m still not monetized on YouTube, still stuck in the AdSense portion, still refreshing my phone more times than I’d like to admit.
And if I’m being real… that waiting has been teaching me something.
The Word I’m Living By: Surrender
Lately, the word that keeps echoing in my life is surrender.
Not in a way that feels like giving up—but in a way that feels like releasing control. Letting go of the tight grip I tend to have on outcomes, timelines, and expectations. Learning how to exist without constantly trying to force things into place.
For me, surrender has looked like:
Letting go of how people perceive me
Letting go of needing validation
Letting go of outcomes I can’t control
And instead, focusing on what I can control:
How I show up
How I treat myself
How honest and authentic I choose to be
If I know I’m being real with myself… if I know I’m doing my best to grow… then there’s a sense of peace that comes with that. A quiet kind of contentment.
Feeling Lost… and Letting That Be Okay
There’s also something I’ve been sitting with lately:
I don’t fully know myself yet.
And that feeling? It’s uncomfortable. It feels like being in between versions of who I was and who I’m becoming. I have ideas—dreams of moving to the Philippines, living a slower, simpler life—but I’m not there yet.
And maybe… I’m not supposed to be.
Because right now, I’m here.
In San Francisco. With a stable job. With a life that, when I slow down enough to notice it… is actually really full.
Rediscovering What’s Right in Front of Me
Yesterday, I tried a Japanese restaurant right next to my apartment—for the first time.
Five years. I’ve lived here for over five years… and I never went.
And it hit me: how much of life have I been missing because I’ve been too busy surviving, healing, planning, and overthinking?
San Francisco is beautiful. It’s vibrant. It’s full of experiences I haven’t even touched yet. And here I am, dreaming of leaving—without fully embracing where I am.
So now, I’m choosing something different.
I’m choosing to explore this chapter. To appreciate this version of my life. To be present instead of always reaching for what’s next.
The Beauty of Slowing Down
For most of my life—37 years—I’ve been chasing something.
Goals. Stability. Healing. Love. Direction.
But I never really slowed down.
And now that I am… I’m realizing something important:
There is growth in the quiet. There is clarity in stillness. There is healing in simply being.
Yes, it can feel lonely.
I’ve lost friendships. I’ve outgrown people. There are moments where I feel the absence of what used to be.
But in that space, I’m also finding myself.
And maybe that’s the trade-off.
Learning to Be Seen—Even If It’s Not Returned
Today, I did something small but honest.
I texted a friend: “I miss you.”
No expectations. No guarantees of a response. Just truth.
And that’s part of this journey too—showing up as I am, expressing what I feel, even if it’s not received the way I hope.
Because at the end of the day, I know this:
I am still worthy. I am still whole. I am still enough—exactly as I am.
Trusting the Timing
The monetization will come. The move will happen when it’s meant to. The clarity will unfold.
I’m learning not to rush the process.
Because maybe this in-between season—the waiting, the uncertainty, the quiet—is exactly where I need to be.
Choosing Joy Anyway: Hawaii Bound
And in the middle of all this reflection… life is still happening.
I’m going to Hawaii this Saturday.
Yes, there’s a storm. Yes, the beaches might not be perfect.
But you know what?
There’s still sun. There’s still food. There’s still space to rest, to breathe, to enjoy.
And that’s the energy I’m choosing—to make the most out of what is, instead of focusing on what isn’t.
Closing Reflection
Right now, I’m not trying to have all the answers.
I’m just trying to:
Be present
Be honest
Be open
Be me
Because maybe that is what alignment actually looks like.
Not perfection. Not certainty. Just authenticity… in real time.
Good morning 🤍 Today is my admin day — my Miss APC day — which means I’m covering inboxes for multiple physicians here in San Francisco. There are three of us watching the inbox, responding to patient messages, reviewing refill requests, and returning calls. My morning just started, and I’m currently having my coffee. I already checked my inbox and responded to all my patient calls and messages. Of course, more will come in throughout the day, but for now I’ve moved on to reviewing other physicians’ inboxes. This is what my Tuesdays usually look like — structured, routine, and in between tasks, I find myself watching YouTube videos.
Creating Without Perfection
I’m not entirely sure what I wanted to talk about today. I know I’ve been creating more content around being a nurse practitioner — sharing tips about healthcare maintenance, vaccinations, PrEP, and cortisol levels. I don’t know if you guys enjoy those types of videos. I know my production value isn’t high since it’s just me doing everything, but at the same time, I didn’t start this to be perfect. I started because this is something I’ve always wanted to do, and this is me trying. I watch a lot of YouTube videos myself, and while part of me wishes I could be more creative or artistic, I’ve also been learning to appreciate the rawness and authenticity of the content I’m drawn to.
The videos I’ve been watching lately are far from polished.
They’re quiet glimpses of life in the Philippines — people tending to their gardens, raising chickens and goats, building small businesses, growing their own food.
Living with intention.
Living simply.
And something about that life speaks to me in a way I can’t ignore.
Because while I love caring for patients, there’s a weight that comes with practicing medicine — insurance companies, bureaucracy, systems that make it harder to simply care.
And sometimes I wonder…
What would life look like if it were just… simpler?
A Growing Desire for Simplicity
Lately, I’ve been watching simple daily life videos from people in the Philippines — people growing their own food, tending gardens, raising chickens and goats, starting small businesses, and living with intention. There’s something about that kind of life that speaks to me deeply. I think part of me wants that for myself — a slower, simpler life, away from bureaucracy. As much as I love caring for patients, it can be difficult practicing medicine when there are so many barriers, especially dealing with insurance companies and systems that limit how freely we can care for people.
Letting Go of Control
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to live my truth, and honestly, making these videos feels like a step in that direction. In the past, I was always concerned about how others perceived me. I was afraid of failure, afraid of things not going my way, and constantly trying to control outcomes. For most of my life — all 37 years of it — I’ve tried to manage everything in hopes of creating a better, more perfect life. And while that mindset brought me to where I am today, I’m realizing that it’s also something I’m ready to let go of.
Life isn’t about everything going according to plan. It’s a process. It’s unpredictable. It’s messy. And I think what matters more is how we respond to it. Lately, I’ve been choosing peace over reaction. It’s not easy, especially when control has been my default for so long, but I’m learning.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to control everything.
My path. My outcomes. My version of a “perfect” life.
For 37 years, I’ve tried to plan, manage, and shape everything into something better.
And yes — that mindset brought me here.
But I’m realizing now… it’s also something I’m ready to release.
Because life isn’t meant to be perfectly planned.
It’s a process. A roller coaster. A box of chocolates — unpredictable, messy, surprising.
And lately, I’ve been choosing something different:
Peace over reaction.
The Hydroplaning Lesson
I think of it like hydroplaning — when your car starts sliding in the rain, you don’t fight it. You let it flow until you regain control. The more you resist, the worse it gets. And I think life works the same way. For so long, I’ve been resisting what is, but now I’m learning to allow things to unfold.
The best way I can describe it is this:
When you’re driving in the rain and your car starts to hydroplane — you don’t fight it.
You don’t panic and jerk the wheel.
You let it flow until you regain control.
Because the more you fight it, the worse it gets.
And I think… that’s how life is too.
For so long, I’ve been fighting the current. Now, I’m learning to move with it.
Returning to Faith, On My Own Terms
Part of that journey has also been reconnecting with my faith. I grew up Catholic and used to lead the rosary with my family, which I was really proud of. But over time, especially during my college years at UC Berkeley, I began questioning institutions and the way religion was sometimes intertwined with politics. I remember attending a Christmas mass where political issues were being discussed during the sermon, and it didn’t sit right with me. That was when I started to distance myself.
Now, I’m finding my way back — not in the same way, but in a way that feels aligned with who I am today. For me, faith is about purpose and trusting that there is something greater guiding my life. My mom is visiting this weekend, and I’m actually looking forward to going to church with her. It’s something I’ve been hesitant to do alone, but I feel ready to take that step again.
Another part of my journey lately has been reconnecting with God.
I grew up Catholic. I remember leading the rosary with my family — something I was so proud of.
But over time, I distanced myself.
Part of it came from questioning institutions — especially during my time at UC Berkeley, where I learned to see the world differently. To question, to challenge, to think critically.
I remember sitting in church during a Christmas mass, hearing political messaging tied into the sermon… and something in me disconnected.
Since then, I’ve carried my own beliefs — beliefs in equality, in compassion, in letting people live their truth.
And now, I’m finding my way back — not to religion as an institution, but to faith as something personal.
For me, God is:
A sense of purpose. A higher plan. A quiet reassurance that there is something better meant for me.
My mom is visiting this weekend, and for the first time in a while, I feel ready to go back to church — not out of obligation, but out of openness.
Why I Started YouTube
I started making videos in June simply wanting to document my life, but it has turned into something much deeper. It’s become a space for reflection, for processing, and for understanding myself. I’ve talked about losing friends and how that experience taught me about authenticity — how we sometimes perform to be liked, only to realize that even then, people can still walk away. That realization pushed me to stop performing and start showing up as I truly am.
I started making videos in June.
At first, it was just about documenting my life.
But it became so much more than that.
It became a space for reflection. For honesty. For growth.
I’ve talked about loss — losing friends, losing connections — and how those experiences revealed something deeper:
How often we perform to be liked. How we shape ourselves to fit into spaces.
And how, even then, people can still leave.
So I chose something different.
Authenticity.
Finding Purpose in Creating
Before this, life felt repetitive — work, home, sleep, repeat. Weekends were spent resting, watching TV, and doing chores. But creating videos has given me a sense of purpose. It’s helped me step outside that routine and do something that feels meaningful. When I watch my videos back, I see growth. I see someone who is trying, who is learning, and who is becoming more comfortable in her own skin.
I’ve even started embracing the small things about myself — my hand gestures, the way I speak, the little mannerisms I used to overthink. That’s just who I am, and for the first time, I’m okay with that.
But now, creating videos has given me something more.
A sense of purpose. A sense of movement.
Something that reminds me I’m not just existing — I’m living.
When I watch my own videos back, I don’t see perfection. I see growth.
I see someone who is trying.
And for the first time, I can honestly say — I’m proud of her.
Becoming More Myself
I’ve started noticing the little things about myself:
The way I use my hands when I talk. The way I say “I think” over and over. The way I stumble, pause, ramble.
And instead of criticizing it… I’ve started embracing it.
Because that’s me.
No performance. No filter. No pretending.
Just real.
And that’s the message I want to share:
It’s okay to be yourself.
Planting Seeds for the Future
Looking ahead, I don’t know exactly what my life will look like in five or ten years. Maybe I’ll be living in the Philippines, building a simple life, starting a small farm, or traveling the world. Maybe I’ll still be practicing as a nurse practitioner part-time or exploring something new like authenticity coaching.
I don’t have all the answers, but I know I’m planting seeds. YouTube has become a starting point — a way for me to move toward the life I envision, even if it doesn’t unfold exactly as planned.
Maybe five or ten years from now, my life will look completely different.
Maybe I’ll be living in the Philippines — running a small farm, growing my own food, living simply.
Maybe I’ll be traveling. Maybe I’ll still be creating.
Maybe I’ll be working part-time as a nurse practitioner… or building something new as an authenticity coach.
I don’t know exactly how it will all unfold.
But I do know this:
I’m planting seeds.
Through YouTube. Through reflection. Through choosing to show up.
And even if things don’t go exactly as planned — I’m open.
Closing: Real Life, As It Is
Right now, I’m just sitting at my desk, eating leftover beef nilaga for breakfast — a very Filipino way to start the day — with life happening all around me in real time. It’s not perfect, it’s not polished, but it’s real.
Today’s lunchtime diary feels a little more honest, a little more raw. I spent some time doing breathing exercises, trying to ground myself, because anxiety has been quietly lingering in the background. And if I’m being real with myself… I think what I’m struggling with most right now is surrender.
I’ve said it before—surrender is the cure. But knowing that and actually living it are two very different things.
Naming What I’m Feeling
Right now, I feel stuck.
I’ve been trying to figure out my YouTube monetization, specifically my AdSense account, and I’ve hit a wall. I’ve followed the recommendations, watched countless videos, tried troubleshooting for days—but nothing seems to move forward.
At this point, the reality is simple:
I need to reactivate the AdSense account I originally applied with
I have to wait 21 days for payment details to reset
And possibly 32 days before I can reapply if needed
There’s nothing more I can do.
And I think that’s the hardest part—accepting that I’ve done everything I can, and now… I just have to wait.
The Practice of Letting Go
This is where surrender comes in.
Not giving up—but releasing control over outcomes I can’t force.
I’ve been wanting to be monetized for a long time, and now that I’ve finally qualified, it feels so close… yet just out of reach. It’s frustrating. It brings up anxiety. It makes me want to fix it, solve it, do something.
But maybe this moment isn’t about doing.
Maybe it’s about trusting.
Choosing a Life That Feels True
Even in the uncertainty, I keep coming back to this quiet thought:
What if this is still leading me exactly where I’m meant to go?
I imagine a life where I can travel with my mom, create content, and continue sharing my journey—encouraging others to live authentically, to find freedom, healing, and happiness in their own way.
And I realize… I’m already building that life.
I’ve created a platform. I’m sharing my voice. I’m connecting with people who resonate.
That in itself is something I once only dreamed about.
Creating as Healing
One thing I know for sure—creating has always been my outlet.
Lately, I’ve been leaning into that more:
Filming yoga videos
Spending time gardening
Exploring new hobbies
Documenting my growth
I recently launched my Patreon, and I’m genuinely so grateful for the support. It means more than I can fully express. I’ve decided to keep certain parts of my journey—like my yoga practice—more intimate and exclusive for those who truly want to be part of that space.
It’s not about limiting access. It’s about protecting energy.
A New Era: Slowing Down
I’m about to turn 38, and this chapter of my life feels different.
The past 37 years were about survival. Meeting expectations. Proving my worth.
But this era?
This is the era of slowing down. Of choosing myself. Of exploring who I really am—without pressure, without timelines.
It’s beautiful… and also terrifying.
Because with exploration comes uncertainty. And with uncertainty comes fear. But for the first time, I also feel a sense of agency—like I’m finally living in alignment with what I truly want.
Small Joys & Simple Moments
After all that reflection, I found myself just sitting in the sun today.
Eating a strawberry KitKat from Japan (thanks to my brother in Okinawa 🍓), feeling the warmth on my skin, letting the day be simple.
Sometimes healing looks like that too.
Just being.
Looking Ahead
I’m leaving for Hawaii this Saturday, and I’m really excited. I’ll be creating and sharing more during the trip—hopefully capturing moments that feel real and meaningful.
Even with little stressors like running out of storage space or figuring out content logistics, I’m reminding myself: it’s all part of the process.
Not everything has to be perfect.
Closing Thoughts
Today, I’m practicing surrender.
Not perfectly. Not gracefully. But intentionally.
Letting go of what I can’t control. Trusting the timing of things. And allowing myself to exist in this in-between space.
If you’re feeling stuck too—just know you’re not alone in that feeling.
Lately, I’ve noticed a shift in the kind of content I’ve been creating. My videos have always been a mix—cooking, mukbangs, day trips, walks with Bali, and little glimpses of my everyday life—but more and more, I find myself leaning into reflection. Especially my lunchtime diaries. There’s something about pausing באמצ the middle of a busy day, sitting with my thoughts, and just speaking honestly that has been grounding me.
These reflections have become more than just content. They’ve become a mirror. A way for me to see my own growth in real time. A way to redirect my mindset when I feel overwhelmed, uncertain, or lost.
And recently, one of the loudest whispers in my mind has been burnout.
Listening to the Whisper of Burnout
There have been moments—quiet but persistent—where I’ve thought about quitting my job. Just walking away. Starting over. Choosing a simpler life somewhere else, maybe even back in the Philippines, where life feels slower and softer.
But as much as that idea feels comforting, I’ve been learning not to react immediately to those emotions. Instead, I’m trying to sit with them. To understand where they’re coming from.
And what I’m realizing is this: maybe quitting isn’t the answer right now.
Because underneath the burnout… there’s still purpose.
Remembering My “Why”
I’ve been talking a lot about my work lately, and I think it’s because I’m in a season where I’m rediscovering why I chose this path in the first place.
As a nurse practitioner, I represent more than just a role—I represent identities that are often underrepresented in healthcare. As a Filipina-American provider in San Francisco, I carry that with me in every patient interaction. Yes, there are many Filipino nurses, but far fewer nurse practitioners and primary care providers. And that matters.
It matters when patients see someone who looks like them. It matters when they feel understood. It matters when they feel safe enough to share their story.
My work extends into areas that I deeply care about—sexual health, HIV care, LGBTQ+ care, gender-affirming care. These aren’t just specialties to me. They are spaces where people deserve dignity, compassion, and understanding.
And when I think about that… I remember why I’m here.
Redefining Purpose Beyond One Role
At the same time, I’ve also had to accept that my “why” doesn’t have to fit perfectly into one job description.
There are parts of my purpose—like guiding adolescents, supporting identity exploration, and advocating for authenticity—that I may not be fully expressing in my current role right now. And for a while, that felt like I was falling short.
But I’m learning that purpose isn’t limited to one space.
I can still show up for people outside of my clinical role. Through conversations, through content, through simply being present and open. I’ve done it before, and I can continue to do it in different ways.
The Balance Between Simplicity and Purpose
For a long time, I’ve dreamed about living a simpler life—maybe in the Philippines, away from the fast pace, away from the noise.
But recently, I’ve been asking myself a deeper question: Can I truly feel fulfilled if I walk away from the skills, knowledge, and impact I’ve built?
And the answer isn’t as simple as I once thought.
I don’t just want a simple life. I want a meaningful one.
So now, I’m trying to figure out how to build both. How to create a life that feels peaceful, but also purposeful. A life where I’m not running away from something—but intentionally building toward something.
Choosing to Stay (For Now)
There’s a version of me that wants to quit. To drop everything and start fresh.
But there’s also a version of me that’s learning to pause. To plan. To be intentional.
Right now, staying is part of that plan.
I’m still working toward my long-term goals—building my own practice, gaining the experience I need, becoming the provider I envision myself to be. There are practical things, too—student loans, years of supervised practice, responsibilities that I can’t ignore.
So instead of reacting, I’m choosing to respond with intention.
Staying doesn’t mean I’m stuck. It means I’m building.
Finding Joy in the Small Moments
In between all of this—there are still small, simple moments that bring me back to myself.
Like stepping outside during lunch on a cloudy day. Eating warm wonton noodle soup. Wearing bright pink scrubs and noticing how it makes people smile.
These moments remind me that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
Becoming More of Myself
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that growth doesn’t always look like big, dramatic changes.
Sometimes, it looks like staying. Sometimes, it looks like reflecting. Sometimes, it looks like choosing yourself—over and over again.
I’m still figuring things out. I’m still evolving. But I’m also learning to trust that I’m exactly where I need to be right now.
Hi everyone, good morning—and happy Sunday. I’m writing this from a slow, gloomy morning here in San Francisco. It’s 10:41 AM, and instead of being out on a hike like I originally planned, I’m staying in, sitting with my thoughts, and finally giving myself the space to reflect. It’s been a while since I’ve made a video, and if I’m being honest, that absence says a lot about where I’ve been mentally and emotionally these past couple of weeks.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little discouraged. Not because I’ve lost belief in what I’m creating—but because I realized I may have been forcing it. Over the past six weeks, I grew my channel by about 25,000 subscribers, which I’m incredibly grateful for. But I also want to be transparent: I invested over $1,000 in ads to push my message out there. At the time, it felt right. I believed—and still believe—in what I’m trying to share: a space that celebrates authenticity, truth, and being unapologetically yourself. But looking back, I think I approached it with too much urgency. I wanted it to grow fast, to reach people quickly, instead of allowing it to unfold naturally.
And maybe that’s where this pause came from.
Because the truth is, this platform was never meant to feel forced. It was meant to feel like an extension of me—raw, honest, and evolving.
I started taking YouTube more seriously at the beginning of June, not fully knowing what direction I wanted to go in. My earlier videos were about travel, food, baking—pieces of me, but not the full picture. Now, I feel like I’m slowly understanding my purpose here. This isn’t just about content. It’s about connection. It’s about documenting my growth, my questions, my uncertainties, and my truth as I live it.
And part of that truth is this: I’ve been questioning a lot lately. My career, my path, where I’m going—it feels like a quiet kind of quarter-life crisis. As a nurse practitioner, I know I still have years ahead before I can fully step into my goal of building my own private practice. There’s structure, timelines, expectations. And while I’m committed to that journey, I’ve also been realizing that I am more than just my career. I’m someone who feels deeply, who creates, who wants to connect, and who wants to remind others that they are allowed to be fully themselves.
That’s where this platform comes in.
Even when I feel discouraged by numbers—watch hours, engagement, algorithms—I remind myself why I started. Yes, I’d love to monetize this someday. Yes, I’d love for it to become a sustainable side income. But beyond that, I want this to be a space where people feel seen. Where someone can watch a video and think, “I’m not alone in this.”
Because I know what it feels like to sit in silence, to hide parts of yourself, to feel like your emotions are too heavy for others. And I also know how powerful it is to finally let yourself be seen.
Through making these videos, I’ve been learning to accept myself more—my flaws, my emotions, my imperfections. I’ve been learning that these things don’t make me less; they make me human. And in a world that often highlights perfection, I want to create space for honesty. For vulnerability. For real life.
I’ve also had to learn how to navigate judgment. Not everyone will understand what I’m doing, and not everyone will support it—and that’s okay. I’m learning to listen to what matters: constructive feedback, genuine connection, and most importantly, my own voice. Because at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and the choices I make.
One thing that’s become very clear to me is this: choosing yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is not narcissistic. It’s necessary. You can’t pour into others if you’re running on empty. And this is something I’m not only learning for myself, but also witnessing in the people around me—patients, family, friends—everyone carrying their own invisible weight.
So maybe this season is about recalibrating. Slowing down. Letting things grow organically. Creating not from pressure, but from purpose.
I’m still going to make videos. I’m still going to share my life—my routines, my thoughts, my journey. But this time, I’m choosing to do it with more intention, more patience, and more trust in the process.
If you’re here, reading this, supporting me in any way—thank you. Truly. Whether you’ve watched a video, liked, commented, or simply spent a few minutes of your day with my story, it means more than you know.
This is just the beginning.
And if there’s one thing I hope you take with you today, it’s this: be yourself. Fully, unapologetically, and without fear. Because no one else can live your life for you—and the most powerful thing you can do is own your story.
Today feels a little different. A little deeper. A little more intentional.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my brand lately—not in the aesthetic, curated, social media kind of way—but in the who am I, really? kind of way. And more importantly, what does it actually mean for me to live authentically?
Because here’s the truth: authenticity gets thrown around a lot. “Just be yourself.” “Live your truth.” “Show up fully.”
And yes—I agree with all of that. But for me, there’s a caveat.
Authenticity Is a Choice—Not a Performance
Living authentically doesn’t mean giving everyone full access to you.
For me, it means being true to my values, my beliefs, and my inner voice—but also being intentional about who I share that version of myself with.
Not everyone gets full access.
And that doesn’t make me fake. That makes me self-aware.
I’ve learned that I don’t want to be fully myself around people who are annoyed by my personality, who don’t understand me, or who make me feel like I need to shrink.
Authenticity, for me, is:
Choosing environments where I feel safe
Choosing people who uplift me
Choosing spaces where I don’t have to perform
Because yes—there are different versions of me. And no—they’re not all meant for everyone.
The Nurse Practitioner vs. The Person
Lately, I’ve been sharing more about my life as a nurse practitioner—and it’s been eye-opening.
People listen differently now. My voice feels… valued.
And honestly? That surprised me.
Because outside of work, I’ve often been seen as:
Easygoing
Chill
Not too serious
Maybe even… not that smart
And I’ll be real—that’s partly by design.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to be intimidating. Trying to be approachable. Trying to make others comfortable.
But in my practice, I show up differently:
I listen deeply
I ask questions
I honor my patients’ stories
Because to me, being a provider isn’t about authority—it’s about understanding.
I don’t believe in that “I know more than you” dynamic. I believe in meeting people where they are.
And maybe that is my authenticity—just expressed differently depending on the space.
When Authenticity Gets Challenged
There was a moment during a trip that really changed how I see this.
I was told—repeatedly—to “tone it down.” To be quieter. Less expressive. Less… me.
At first, I laughed it off.
But over time, it started to feel like I was being silenced.
And that’s when it hit me:
Living authentically also means walking away from spaces where you’re asked to shrink.
Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it means losing people. Even if it means admitting, “This isn’t right for me.”
Because I’ve learned the hard way— staying in those spaces? That’s not authenticity. That’s performance.
Authenticity vs. Performance
Let’s be honest—we all perform sometimes.
At work. In professional settings. In unfamiliar environments.
And that’s okay.
There are moments where performance is necessary—especially when it’s not about you, but about the role you carry and the people you serve.
But outside of that?
I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly performing.
Because if you’re always performing… are you really living?
You Don’t Need Permission to Be Yourself
This one took me a long time to learn.
Authenticity isn’t:
Waiting for validation
Seeking approval
Asking, “Is this okay?”
Authenticity is: giving yourself permission.
Permission to:
Speak
Feel
Change
Grow
Even now, sharing these thoughts publicly feels vulnerable.
There’s always that voice like, “What are people going to think?”
But I’m not here to be understood by everyone.
I’m here to be honest.
Choosing Your People
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned?
Not everyone deserves your vulnerability.
Being seen is powerful—but it’s also risky.
There’s a line from On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous that stayed with me:
To be seen is to be vulnerable… but it also means you can be hurt.
And that’s why authenticity isn’t about showing everything to everyone.
It’s about choosing:
Who gets to see you
Who gets to hear you
Who gets to hold space for you
Your tribe isn’t just the people you laugh with. It’s the people who stay when things get heavy.
Growth Is Part of Authenticity
I’m not the same person I was a few years ago.
Honestly—I’m not even the same person I was a few months ago.
And that’s the point.
Living authentically means allowing yourself to evolve:
To outgrow people
To change your mind
To redefine who you are
This blog, these videos—they’re a reflection of that growth.
A reminder that my voice has always been there… I just needed to give myself permission to use it.
Final Thoughts: Living Fully, Not Perfectly
If there’s one thing I want you to take from this, it’s this:
Living authentically isn’t about being fully exposed. It’s about being fully aligned.
Aligned with:
Your values
Your boundaries
Your truth
You don’t owe the world your full story.
But you do owe yourself the freedom to live it.
So ask yourself:
If you stripped away expectations… If you stopped performing… If you stopped asking for permission…
Would you finally feel free?
Because that’s where I’m headed.
And for the first time in a long time— it feels like me.
Choosing to Live Anyway: A Week of Small Joys, Big Feelings, and Becoming
Good morning, you guys 🤍
This week felt like a mix of everything—playfulness, anxiety, gratitude, reflection… and choosing to live anyway.
Her Happy Place
We started the week simply—playing outside.
Watching her run around, completely present, completely happy… it reminded me how pure joy can be. No overthinking. No worrying about tomorrow. Just being.
And I realized—maybe healing looks like that too.
Not always deep or complicated. Sometimes it’s just… playing ball.
On Turning 38 & Speaking Things Into Existence
On my way to work, I had a moment.
I said it out loud: “I’m turning 38.”
And for a second, it felt heavy. But then I followed it with something softer—something hopeful.
I told myself that by 40, I’ll be living the life I truly want.
Not perfectly. Not flawlessly. But fully.
Maybe this is me manifesting. Maybe it’s me being “crazy,” like my mom says.
But what’s wrong with that?
If being a little delusional means believing in a life that feels free, aligned, and beautiful… I’ll take it.
Resisting the Chaos by Choosing Peace
The world feels loud right now. Uncertain.
And I’ve been thinking— there’s a quiet kind of resistance in choosing peace anyway.
I could spiral. I could overthink. But instead, I’m trying to experience life as it is.
Because I’ll never get this exact day back.
And maybe that awareness alone is enough to shift everything.
Lunch Diaries & Quiet Wins
Work has been… interesting.
Not too busy. A little slow. But meaningful.
I received positive feedback about the care I provide, and that meant more than I expected. It reassured me that maybe I am where I’m supposed to be.
Even in the midst of doubt.
Even with the anxiety.
Lunch was simple—pasta and calamari. Nothing fancy. But it felt grounding.
Anxiety, Healing, and Trying Again
I’ll be honest—my anxiety has been showing up physically.
Waking up in the middle of the night. Coughing. Restlessness. That lingering unease.
So I’m trying again.
I had my first therapy session this week.
And you know what? It felt… productive. Hopeful, even.
I’m not expecting instant change. But I am proud of myself for trying—for listening to what I need and taking steps toward healing.
Alongside journaling, creating, and just living… this is another layer of choosing myself.
Surrendering & Letting Go
If there’s one theme this week, it’s this:
Surrender.
Letting go of what I can’t control. Trusting that things will unfold the way they’re meant to.
I spent extra time with anxious patients this week—calming them, being present. And in a way, I realized I was offering them the same thing I’m learning to give myself.
Patience. Compassion. Space.
Where I Am Right Now
I’m in this in-between space.
Grateful for my current job
Curious about new opportunities
Slightly overwhelmed by uncertainty
But also… open
I applied for another position and got an interview.
And while that excites me, it also brings questions: Do I actually want this? Or am I just exploring what’s out there?
For now, I’m allowing myself to not have all the answers.
Looking Ahead
I’m looking forward to small and big things:
A possible trip to Japan in August
Hawaii in a couple of weeks 🤍
Continuing therapy
Growing this creative space
And most importantly— continuing to show up for my life.
Final Thoughts
This week wasn’t perfect.
But it was real.
It was:
playing outside
going to work
feeling anxious
trying again
celebrating small wins
questioning everything
and still choosing to move forward
And maybe that’s what living authentically really looks like.
Not having it all figured out— but showing up anyway.
Today started like any other — on the way to work, soft light coming through the windows, and a quiet reminder that it’s another beautiful day to be alive… and honestly, another beautiful day to be gorgeous.
Before anything else, I just want to say thank you.
Thank you to everyone who has been watching my videos, sharing them, messaging me, and supporting me in ways I didn’t expect. I’m still in the process of monetizing my YouTube, and because of your suggestions, I created a Patreon last night. I even posted one of my deleted videos — something that felt a little scary, but also really freeing. And some of you already signed up… which still doesn’t feel real. So truly, thank you.
This whole journey — creating videos, sharing my life — it started as a creative outlet. But it’s becoming something deeper than that.
It’s becoming a form of healing.
The Reality of Becoming
I’m in my 30s, and if I’m being honest, I’m still figuring things out.
There’s this pressure to have everything aligned by now — career, purpose, identity. But the truth is, I’m exploring. I’m trying different avenues, asking myself: How do I make my dreams possible? And right now, one of those ways is through creating.
But with that comes fear.
We’re reaching more people now, and there are moments where I pause and ask myself — am I ready to be seen like this? There’s anxiety in visibility. There’s vulnerability in being known.
And yet… this is something I’ve always wanted.
To create. To inspire. To influence — but in a way that encourages people to be their most authentic selves.
Because that’s exactly what I’m learning how to do.
Breaking Out of the Box
For a long time, I felt like I was living inside a version of myself that was shaped by other people’s expectations.
Caring too much about what others think. Holding back parts of who I am. Staying within invisible boundaries.
And now, I’m slowly choosing myself.
Not perfectly. Not confidently all the time. But intentionally.
And that’s what I’m sharing with you — not a polished version of healing, but the process of becoming.
There are moments where I feel empowered, like I’m finally stepping into who I’m meant to be. And then there are moments where I question everything.
Is this the right path? What if this doesn’t work? What if being this open costs me something?
But that’s exactly why I keep going.
Because authenticity isn’t just the highlight reel — it’s the doubt, the overthinking, the pauses, the fear… and choosing yourself anyway.
Midday Reflections: Small Joys & Quiet Wins
By lunchtime, the day softened.
It was 77 degrees in San Francisco — one of those rare, perfect days where the sun feels like a gift. I stepped outside with a simple salad — garbanzo beans, tomatoes, corn, cucumber, red peppers — and just allowed myself to pause.
These moments matter more than we realize.
I had a lighter patient load today, which gave me space to breathe. And this morning, something small but meaningful happened — a new patient told me she chose me because she heard I give good care.
That stayed with me.
Because in the middle of questioning everything, sometimes you get these quiet reminders of why you do what you do.
And maybe I needed that today.
Living in the In-Between
Lately, I’ve been feeling a mix of gratitude and uncertainty.
I interviewed for a new position last week and was offered another interview. And now I’m sitting with it — not rushing, not reacting, just trying to move intentionally. I have therapy this week, and I want to process everything clearly before making decisions.
Because this is where I’m at right now:
In between where I am… and where I feel called to go.
There’s a version of my life that feels safe, structured, predictable.
And then there’s another version — one that feels expansive, uncertain, and honestly… a little scary.
The unknown.
And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that growth usually lives there.
Creating Despite the Fear
A big part of my anxiety lately has been tied to creating.
What if people judge me? What if this affects my career? What if I’m not ready for this kind of visibility?
But at the same time…
This is the most free I’ve ever felt.
Creating has given me a sense of agency — like I finally have control over how I express myself, how I show up, and who I allow myself to be.
It’s no longer about hiding behind walls.
It’s about being seen — fully, honestly, imperfectly.
Even the parts of me that are still shy. Even the parts of me that overthink. Even the parts of me that repeat myself (yes, I’ve noticed that too — probably part of how my brain works, and I’m learning to embrace it).
This is me.
Unfiltered. Becoming.
The Life I’m Dreaming Of
If I’m being honest… I don’t just want success.
I want freedom.
I want to wake up in the Philippines, living a simple, intentional life. Creating content. Sharing stories. Documenting healing, culture, family, and everyday beauty.
I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel light. I want to feel like I’m living my life — not one designed by fear.
And maybe this — all of this — is the beginning of that.
Ending the Day with Gratitude
The workday ended gently. Not too busy, not too overwhelming.
And again, I found myself feeling grateful.
Grateful for the support. Grateful for the messages. Grateful for the people helping me grow — even down to pointing out timestamps for edits in my videos.
You’re helping me refine this journey in real time.
And to those supporting me on Patreon — thank you for believing in me beyond the surface.
Final Thoughts
If there’s one thing I want to leave you with, it’s this:
You don’t have to be fully confident to choose yourself.
You don’t have to have everything figured out to start.
Sometimes, choosing yourself looks like showing up anyway — even when you’re scared, even when you’re unsure, even when you’re still becoming.
So today, wherever you are in your journey…
Be who you want to be. Be bold. Be soft. Be evolving. But most importantly — be kind.
Good afternoon, everyone. Today turned into a little kitchen experiment. I decided to try making dough from scratch for the first time, something I had never really done before. I started by looking up a simple recipe online for a French-style baguette dough, which surprisingly only required a few ingredients—flour, water, yeast, and salt. For some reason, I had always thought bread required eggs, so learning that it didn’t already felt like a small discovery. I measured out about two and a quarter cups of lukewarm water to activate the yeast, added one packet of yeast, and slowly started mixing in flour. The recipe called for six cups of all-purpose flour, and as I added each cup, the mixture slowly transformed from a watery mixture into something thick and dough-like. It was messy, experimental, and honestly a little chaotic, but also fun. I added a little salt later—probably not at the right time—and even thought about sprinkling in some herbs just to see what would happen. This whole process was less about perfection and more about curiosity. I kept laughing to myself, thinking that if this worked, maybe I could start a bread business.
Learning Through Mistakes
As the dough started coming together, it actually looked and felt like real dough. I realized I probably should have mixed the yeast, salt, and warm water together first before adding the flour, but that’s part of the learning process. Cooking experiments always teach you something. In the end, I decided to let the dough rest and rise overnight in the fridge. The plan was to see what it would become the next day—maybe bread, maybe pizza dough. Either way, it felt satisfying to try something new with my hands, even if I was making mistakes along the way.
Processing Anxiety and Uncertainty
At the same time, I’ve been wanting to share honestly about how I’ve been feeling lately. To be transparent, I’ve been feeling quite anxious. My mind has been filled with questions that I don’t have answers to, and that uncertainty can feel really overwhelming. I keep thinking about the future and what direction my life is going. Part of me imagines a quieter life, maybe even living in the Philippines someday, somewhere peaceful and slower. But at the same time, I don’t fully know if that’s truly the life I want. It’s confusing, and I find myself overthinking a lot of things.
Looking back, I realize that much of my anxiety and depression started after losing a partner in 2019. That experience made me question my worth in ways I never had before. I thought I had shown someone my true self and believed that would be enough. When things ended, it left me with this lingering question of whether I was somehow difficult to love. Over time, friendships also changed. Some people drifted away, and while I try to tell myself that life simply moves people in different directions, part of me still wonders if I did something wrong. Those thoughts can spiral easily when you’re already feeling vulnerable.
The Difficulty of Being Seen
Recently, a friend asked me an interesting question. He said that out of all the versions of me he has seen, he feels that I only truly show my authentic self to a small number of people. That question stayed with me longer than I expected. It made me realize how much I protect parts of myself, especially at work. Sometimes I feel anxious because I don’t think I can fully be who I am in those spaces. And of course, after hearing that question, I did what I usually do—I started overthinking it.
The truth is that when my anxiety gets intense, I tend to isolate myself. I was supposed to meet up with a friend who is visiting San Francisco for a conference, someone I haven’t seen in years, but I ended up canceling because I didn’t have the emotional energy to show up. It’s ironic because I often tell my own patients that when they feel overwhelmed, they should surround themselves with people who care about them. Yet when I’m the one struggling, I find it difficult to follow that same advice. I worry about being a burden, about disappointing people, or about them seeing me when I’m not at my best.
Choosing Myself and Seeking Help
Despite all of this, I know I’m trying. I’ve scheduled therapy again this Friday because I want to work through these thoughts instead of letting them control me. This journey of choosing myself has been complicated. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m making decisions based on my own values and my own voice rather than other people’s expectations. But that process can feel lonely too, especially when it seems like some relationships change along the way.
The Dough the Next Morning
The next morning, I checked on the dough after more than twenty hours in the fridge. Surprisingly, it looked great. I kneaded it again and divided it into smaller portions. Since I didn’t have a rolling pin, I improvised with whatever I had in the kitchen. The dough was meant for baguettes, but I decided it would work just fine for pizza. After shaping it as best as I could—somewhere between a circle and a square—I added marinara sauce, mushrooms, cheese, artichokes, and slices of salami. It wasn’t perfect, but it was homemade, and that made it special.
The Gift Inside Every Mistake
When the pizza came out of the oven, I realized something simple but meaningful: there really is a gift in every mistake. Even when the process isn’t perfect, you still end up creating something. Whether it’s bread, pizza, or just a lesson learned along the way, the act of trying is what matters. And maybe life works the same way—we experiment, we make mistakes, we learn, and somehow, something good still comes out of it.
Happy Sunday, everyone. Today we decided to head out for a little adventure with our dog, Dots. On the drive there, we were already thinking that maybe next weekend should be the day we finally wash the car—but for today, the plan was simple: sunshine, fresh air, and a trip to Fort Funston. For those who don’t know, Fort Funston is one of the most beautiful dog beaches in San Francisco, and honestly, it might just be Dots’ favorite place in the world. The moment she realizes where we are, you can see the excitement in her little body. It’s like heaven for her—wide open space, sand dunes, ocean breeze, and the freedom to run wild and free.
The day was absolutely gorgeous. The sun was shining, the breeze was soft, and the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean were glowing in that special San Francisco light. We walked along the trails and sand dunes while Dots explored every corner she could find. She ran, dug in the sand, chased the wind, and looked so incredibly happy. Sometimes we had to tell her, “Dots, don’t get too dirty!” but of course that’s impossible at the beach. Sand everywhere, but pure joy too.
As we wandered around, we noticed the old concrete bunkers scattered along the cliffs—remnants from wartime days that still stand quietly overlooking the ocean. It’s strange and fascinating at the same time, thinking about the history while standing in such a peaceful place. From certain spots on the cliffs, you can even see the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance, along with the familiar rows of San Francisco houses tucked along the hills.
Eventually we climbed up the sand dunes to the very top. The view from there was breathtaking—the ocean stretching endlessly, the wind brushing through the grass, and Dots running happily across the sand. Moments like that make you pause and realize how beautiful simple days can be. No big plans, no complicated thoughts. Just life happening exactly as it is.
Dots has been with me since the pandemic, and she truly became my little companion during a time when life felt very isolating. When many people stayed away because of COVID, I would come home to Dots every day, and she was always there—excited, loving, happy just to see me. In many ways, she kept me grounded during those difficult times. She has been my rock, my little angel, and someone who reminds me that love can be simple and unconditional.
We spent part of the afternoon just sitting in the sand, breathing deeply, feeling the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze from the ocean. Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply exist in the moment—no pressure, no overthinking, just noticing what’s in front of you.
Lately I’ve realized that a lot of my anxiety comes from things I can’t control and from overthinking. Some nights I wake up at three in the morning with thoughts racing through my mind. I wish there were a switch I could flip to quiet them, but life doesn’t really work that way. I do have a therapy session coming up this Friday, and I’m hopeful it will help. I’ve also realized that I probably need to find a therapist outside of work so that I can keep those boundaries clear.
One thing I’ve been proud of lately is learning to choose myself. For a long time, I made decisions based on what other people thought or expected from me. As someone who tends to be a people pleaser, that was almost automatic. But recently I’ve been practicing something different—making choices based on my own values, my own experiences, and what feels right for me. It hasn’t always been easy. Sometimes choosing yourself means losing people along the way. But even if I could go back and choose again, I think I would still choose the same path.
At 37, I feel like I’m finally beginning to understand who I am. For many years, I think I was running from parts of myself. Now I’m slowly learning to accept them. I’m not perfect, and I still have a lot of healing and growing to do, but that’s okay. Growth begins with honesty—seeing yourself clearly and deciding who you want to become.
Today wasn’t meant to be a deep reflection day. It was supposed to be simple: a Sunday at the beach, running through sand dunes with Dots, soaking up the sun. But sometimes the ocean, the wind, and a quiet moment have a way of bringing thoughts to the surface.
So here we are—another beautiful day to be alive, to breathe, to grow, and to be a little bit more ourselves.
And as I always like to say, it’s another beautiful day to be gorgeous. ✨
Day in the life of a Filipina Nurse Practitioner 