Heat & Healing: Choosing Myself on an Anxious Sunday in San Francisco
Heat. Noise. The Loop of Anxiety
Heat. Heat. Heat.
It’s the kind of heat that doesn’t just sit on your skin—it settles into your thoughts. Repeating. Echoing. Lingering. And maybe that’s what this week has felt like too. Just… heat. Anxiety looping over and over again, trying to make meaning out of everything, trying to control everything, trying to prepare for everything that hasn’t even happened yet.
But today, I’m choosing something different.
I’m choosing presence.
Gratitude in the Middle of Overwhelm
I want to show gratitude—not in a perfect, polished way—but in a very real, very human way. Gratitude for being here. Gratitude for having another day. Another breath. Another chance to exist as I am. Because the truth is, even in the middle of anxiety, there is still life happening. There is still beauty. There is still a version of me that is trying, even when I feel like I’m falling apart.
The Fear of Being “Too Much”
This morning, I cried.
I cried because a thought crossed my mind so quietly but so sharply: what if I’m difficult to love?
And it stayed there longer than I wanted it to.
I know who I am. I know I can be a lot. I know I can be intense, emotional, expressive—especially when my anxiety takes the lead. It starts to speak for me, act for me, decide for me. And suddenly, something as small as having one roll of toilet paper left turns into urgency. Into panic. Into something bigger than it needs to be.
I woke my partner up this morning insisting we needed to go out and get more. And in that moment, it felt so real. So necessary. But looking back, I can see it clearly—it was anxiety. And his irritation… it hurt. Not just because of the moment, but because it fed into that deeper fear: am I too much?
When Anxiety Touches Relationships
And that question doesn’t just live in small moments like that. It stretches into bigger losses too.
I’ve been thinking a lot about losing one of my best friends from college. How something that started from concern, from care, from wanting to protect him, turned into distance. I saw things in his relationship that made me anxious—especially because last year was already such a fragile time for me. My career felt unstable. My sense of self felt blurred.
I spoke up because I cared. I used my voice—even here, on this platform—as part of my healing. But he didn’t receive it that way. He felt exposed. Maybe even betrayed. And I understand that now, in a way I couldn’t before.
Still… I don’t regret being honest.
Using My Voice, Even When It’s Messy
Maybe I would change how I said things. Maybe I would sit down more, speak softer, listen longer. But I won’t regret caring. I won’t regret trying to protect someone I loved. And I won’t regret using my voice when it felt like the only way I knew how.
That chapter taught me something difficult but necessary:
not everyone will understand your healing process.
And sometimes, growth costs you people.
Unraveling Identity & Career Pressure
This week, I’ve been sitting with a lot of uncertainty—especially about my career. Trying to figure out my next steps, trying to understand who I am outside of being a nurse practitioner.
Because somewhere along the way, my identity became so tied to my profession that I forgot there are other parts of me that need space too.
And maybe that’s where some of this anxiety is coming from.
The pressure to have it all figured out.
The pressure to be everything at once.
A Walk Through Dolores Park
So today, I slowed down.
We went to Dolores Park. Just a simple walk. Nothing extravagant. Just sunshine, fresh air, and my little girl—running around, happy, free, completely in the moment.
The Mission felt alive today. Murals on every corner, colors layered on top of stories, culture breathing through every street. Music in the distance. People laughing, laying in the grass, existing without overthinking every interaction.
And there I was—just sitting.
People watching.
Breathing.
Letting the Moment Be Enough
It didn’t erase the anxiety. It didn’t magically heal everything. But it softened it. Just enough for me to feel a little more grounded. A little more here.
Not fixing anything. Not solving anything.
Just being.
Returning to Breath: Yoga & Stillness
When we got home, I didn’t rush into the next thing. I didn’t distract myself the way I usually do. Instead, I chose stillness.
I rolled out my mat, opened my Calm app, and let myself breathe. Slowly. Intentionally. No expectations. No performance. Just presence.
This is what healing looks like for me right now.
Not perfect. Not complete. But real.
Choosing Myself, One Step at a Time
I know I’m not fully healed. I know there are still patterns I need to unlearn, still fears I need to face, still support I need to seek.
But for now, this space, this moment, this honesty… it’s helping.
I’m learning to not take everything so personally. To understand that other people’s reactions are not always a reflection of my worth.
So today, I’m choosing me.
Not in a selfish way—but in a necessary way.
In a way that says: I deserve peace. I deserve softness. I deserve to exist without constantly questioning my value.
Closing: Heat, Breath, Light
Heat. Heat. Heat.
But also—breath. Space. Light.
One step at a time.
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